Relationship is a Choice

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Our attitude towards a love relationship before and after marriage is generally different. In a normal marriage life, couples spend most of their time, especially in the evenings and on weekends, together. After couple of years of staying together, couples tend to get under each other's skins. Complacency creeps in and before long the attention starts to shift towards differences rather than commonalities.

Before marriage, couples spend significant portion of their time planning hundreds of ways to impress each other especially in the beginning of their love affair. With time they get comfortable with each other but never stop looking for infinite avenues to impress and add spark to their love life. We can say love at this stage love is centred on the other party. It is spontaneous and is driven by deep rooted passion. Those that decide to bring sex into the mix, do their utmost best to make each love making session a memorable one.

When relationships before marriage are spontaneous and fuelled by passion, in later years of marriage cohesive co-existence becomes a conscious decision. After couple years of staying together, two or three children later, personal outlook and physical appearances start to change. Masculine or feminine silhouette that was a catalyst for the initial attraction also changes. As physical attributes change, couples make conscious choice to notice these unpleasing changes or to look beyond at the substance behind the character. When earlier the attraction was spontaneous, later the attraction become a choice.

Change is a big factor in people. As we grow older, especially after our thirty sixth birth day, we start to take stock of our lives. We assess whether decision we made earlier in our lives are still applicable in so far as our lives going forward are concern. Unfortunately, consciously or subconsciously, our partners are also subject to scrutiny. If after evaluation, our partners are found wanting, decision to turn a blind eye to the differences becomes even more difficult. As the differences grow, the marriage reaches a breaking point where circumstances forces couples to take separate ways.

Generally a bond in a marriage is supposed to be love but if love is not enough to put bread on the table, pay bills, provide safe housing, transport and education for kids or even fulfilling sexual needs, the bonding factor between couples will start to weaken. The bond weaken even faster if the focus shift towards the differences rather than commonalities.

People value different things in life and some things are just non-negotiables. These non-negotiables become pronounced in marriage life with time. In the beginning our tolerance might be high but as we enter evaluation phase of our life, we become more and more intolerant for things we perceive as recurrent irresponsible behaviour displayed by our partners.

The question is how do we then surmount the differences and accommodate the non-negotiables? For me the starting point is communication. In marriage we have to be clear and upfront about our non-negotiables. Both parties must lay their cards open. In most cases couples argue and drive their marriages to destruction because none of them are aware of each other's non-negotiables especially if both have strong characters. Women used to submit and even suppress their non-negotiables but with the advent of gender awareness and women power parties in marriage are increasingly unwilling to compromise on their non-negotiables.

The truth is love is not enough to maintain a marriage well into the grand-pa and grand-ma phase; open and candid communication does. Staying together for forty years does not guarantee that couples will know each other. However communication and respect for each other's non-negotiables will go a long way to foster a relationship based on trust, respect, loyalty and enduring longevity.

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