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When you have been a victim of a divorce, the first thing you must understand and begin believing is that you are not going to die because of divorce. Regardless of how bad you feel, you must realize that divorce has happened to millions of people before you; it is happening to countless people everyday; and it will continue to happen to millions of people as long as there is love and marriage and non-negotiables in relationships.

 

Although you may never have felt such pain in your life before, you will get over it. It takes time, but you will recover and find love again. It is imperative that you understand and believe this statement, even if you have to write it in big letters on your bedroom mirror, type it out on a card you carry around with you or say it aloud to yourself every hour on the hour.

 

You must at the same time, understand that people suffering from divorce go through certain predictable phases of thinking and action as they begin to recover. In order to cope with the insecurity, uncertainty, and emotional damage you have suffered, you should understand that it is only natural that you go through each of these phases. As a result you will be a happy person and perhaps for the first time in your life.

 

One of hardest things as a person who has been victimized in a divorce is to let go. It is vitally important that you immediately let go of the other person; realize that your marriage is over and what matters now is you. You must take control of your thoughts; your brain will want to replay various scenarios to you or visualise your partner in another person's arms. This trail of thought will not help. You must focus on yourself and direct your thoughts to what is important to you - your happiness and well being. Easier said than done - but it is doable!

 

I cannot emphasis enough that your well-being is important, not only to you but to others as well. The world needs you - believe it.

 

If you do not have income, you must look for job or lawful source of income to support yourself and maybe your kids. You must write out a plan for production and management of your money; look at your expenses and start prioritising.

 

You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away. You have to take hold of yourself and go on living. You can do it and you must. The best way is to busy yourself with all the planning you have to do and all the things you have to do to make your plans pan out. Sit down with paper and pencil immediately, look at your situation as it is right now and make a list of things that you are going to have to do in order to survive. There is order, empowerment and vision in clarity.

 

No doubt that painful emotions will come now and then but you have to keep forcing yourself not to think about your divorce or dwell upon memories of yesterday. The more you think about your past - what went wrong and why it happened to you - the worse it is going to hurt and the longer it will take for you to recover. I do not mean that you must not have closure, of course we have to learn from our past in order not to repeat same mistakes again in the future. However, you have to realise that you cannot effectively drive a car while looking in the rear mirror all the time. In the same breath, it is a safe practice to look into your rear mirror now and then for brief moments.

 

A divorce can be likened to a cut on your hand; it hurts and it might be bleeding too. Your common sense tells you to wash the blood off and clean the wound, perhaps apply some medication and then a bandage. You will then have to wait for the healing process of your body to to take full effect. The same applies to your divorce. The bottom line is: You must cure yourself of the hurt before you can be happy again. How? Perhaps your best bet is therapy, seek professional help.

 

You are going to feel lonely, lost and deserted. You are going to grieve. You are going to mourn the loss of your loved one. You are going to deny that it is over and think of it as a bad dream. You may fall into a state of deep depression and pretend that it is only a game that will end soon.

 

In order to counter these feelings, you must try to keep yourself busy - cleaning the house, washing your car, writing out a budget, studying and/or working - you must force yourself to keep moving and working on the kinds of things that make you self-sufficient as well as a person that can hold his or her head up in any crowd or any situation.

 

You are going to become so angry that you will want to do things just to spite your ex-spouse. You must understand that anger is the process of projecting onto another person your own sense of hurt and frustration. Anger is a natural feeling in a stressful situation. You must rid yourself of the anger or it will eat you alive. The important thing to understand is that anger is an emotion just like any other and is not the results of your dark side. However it is important to manage your anger or it will bring out your dark side.

 

In conjunction with your anger you might feel guilty. This is the little voice that keep on telling you that “If I had not; if I had done this or that differently; or if only I had been a little more understanding” and many more “ifs”. The more you dwell upon this kind of thinking, the deeper you will fall into the trap of self-martyrdom which leads to thinking of yourself as a loser, a failure and not deserving any happiness in this lifetime.

 

You must drive those feelings of guilt from your mind as quickly as they appear. Simply tell yourself that it did not work out; it is over and life goes on without your ex-spouse by your side. Understand and believe that you will recover; start working on your plan and move towards happiness and success in your life.

 

Still another phase you will experience is one of reconciliation. This is when the victim calls the perpetrator to apologise and expressing undying love. Worse, accepting all the blame for the divorce and promising to change and submit to the demands of the other party. This is when the victim disregards all his or her own needs and reaches out for the other person without any pride or in a moment of weakness.

 

Remember this: If your ex-spouse does not want you, then you must cease to worry about him or her. You must take hold of yourself - your own ambitions for happiness and the kind of love you want. Armed yourself with a plan, embark on the mission to attain all your goals.

 

You must forget about your ex-spouse as quickly as you possibly can. You must immediately see yourself as someone who is self-supporting and the only person on the face of this earth with the final say about how happy you can be. Difficult, yes - but the sooner you realize this and take charge of your own life, the sooner you will find happiness after your divorce.

 

No one should throw themselves at the mercy of any person. Each and every human being in this world has pride, which is good thing because it gives you a sense of worth. To give up one's self-respect is to give up one's life. Compromises and promises to make changes - followed by sincere efforts to do so are necessary for a long, fulfilling and prosperous marriage. But to disregard one's self-respect is to become a non-entity.

 

The final phase on your way to recover from divorce is that of acceptance. This is when you are no longer bothered by thoughts of your ex-spouse for one whole day; when you are able to talk about him or her without a tug in your heart. This is when you say to yourself that if he or she does not want me, then I do not want him or her too. This is when you have got a handle on what you have to do in order to rebuild your life and get on with it. At this phase should be getting on with your life.

 

Human beings are emotional beings. These emotions manifest themselves in one form or the other. One of the most common forms of emotions is love. Falling in love is a wonderful thing but falling in love with a wrong person can be a nightmare.

 

None of us is perfect, though we usually try with everything we have to live a perfect life. In our quest for utopian life, we normally fall down at least once or twice along the way. Our marriages or our choice of partners in marriage could be one of those downfalls in our lives. Rising up and realizing mistakes in our choices could be therapeutic undertaking. Deciding to part ways with our partners, who in turn has indicated how much they despise us, is painful but it is the right thing to do.

 

Do not be afraid of being a divorced person! Think about your own ambitions and the kind of happiness you would like to enjoy. Remember that loneliness, boredom and unhappiness are indeed, self-induced - determine that you want to be happy and then reach for happiness with all your might.

 

Copyright © goodtobest.net 2008.

 

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	Other Articles on Relationships

 

A Divorce Survival for Men I, II & III

 

A Divorce Survival for Women I, II & III

 

Relationship Is A Choice

 

Phases of Recovering From Divorce

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